Fear

Sometimes, many times I can't watch the news. It paralyzes me with fear. Fear that someone, someday, today perhaps will come into my children's school, my husband's office or my own home and take my life away. In a heartbeat it would all be gone.

So many stories of mass murder, rape, school shootings, cars driving into buildings. I just can't handle it. I think of myself as a pretty stable person most of the time. As stable as a working mother of 2 can be anyway. I find myself obsessing about how to keep my family safe. I don't allow my kids to ride on the freeway with anyone other than my husband or me. Not even my parents. Just too scary. I don't allow my first grader to go on field trip that require a freeway trip or a school bus. Too scary.

Last year we faced major safety issues with Mira's after care provider. After bringing it to their attention and hoping for beefed up safety guidelines and commitment, they kicked us out. Out, goodbye Dahlstroms, we are done with you and your concerns.

We are not people who sit idly by and let things go. We are not complacent people. We speak up, speak out and advocate for change. But still, my fears are always there. What if I get sick? What if I die and leave my kids and husband alone? What will happen to them? How will they grow up without a mother? Live without a wife? Sometimes I want to curl up on my bed, under the blankets and never leave the house. Irrational? Probably. Nuts? Probably more normal than we think. We just don't talk about it.

While I know that it's impossible for me to protect my children all the time. It's my job. It's my one great and possibly the most important responsibility a person can have. To protect life. It's because of this responsibility that I cannot relax if my children are out of my site. Although I know they are well cared for at school, loved by their teachers, grandparents and mothers of friends. I simply cannot relax.

I have friends who let their children go to other kids' houses for play dates that barely know the parents. Others go on long field trips on buses and are away for days. I just don't know if I could manage that. I don't want to prevent my kids from doing the things that their friends do, normal things of course in anybody's opinion. Even in my opinion. I just want to drive them there and stay with them.

I think about other parents on the news who have lost their children. I think about how I would not be able to live without my children. I would not be able to breathe. I don't know how they do it to be honest. Even with the therapy they must surely get.

Sometimes if I can't get a hold of my parents or a baby sitter if we are away or out on a date night I start to sweat and my body turns cold, all at once. I can't imagine I am the only parent this happens to? My mind races and I go immediately to the worst case scenario. Why do I do this?

My dad used to stay up late waiting for me to come home when I was a teenager. My mom was able to sleep with no problems. Fascinating. My Bubbie, my dad's mom was the queen of worrying. She called if she didn't hear from you at the specified time. She tracked you down. She gnawed her little fingers until they bled. I do the same thing by the way. She must have loved it when mobile phones became popular.

I honestly believe there is a gene within us called the worry wart gene. Or in my case, the doomsayer gene. I hate this about myself. I want so much to be able to just live life with abandon and be a more positive person. I wish I could let it all go and not be so overprotective and panicky. Aside from therapy what can I do? It's me. I'm passionate and in love with my life and don't want anything to take it away from me.

As irrational as it all may seem to me and to you, it takes only one split second for a life to change. For the future to be altered forever. So call me over protective or even call me nuts. My job is my job, my purpose in life is to be a mother and a wife. To me, this is what it looks like. I know some day my kids won't let me smother them any more. They'll be driving at some point and I will have to accept that. I pray we stay very close, respect each other and that they don't get the doomsayer gene. It's exhausting.