Fear

Sometimes, many times I can't watch the news. It paralyzes me with fear. Fear that someone, someday, today perhaps will come into my children's school, my husband's office or my own home and take my life away. In a heartbeat it would all be gone.

So many stories of mass murder, rape, school shootings, cars driving into buildings. I just can't handle it. I think of myself as a pretty stable person most of the time. As stable as a working mother of 2 can be anyway. I find myself obsessing about how to keep my family safe. I don't allow my kids to ride on the freeway with anyone other than my husband or me. Not even my parents. Just too scary. I don't allow my first grader to go on field trip that require a freeway trip or a school bus. Too scary.

Last year we faced major safety issues with Mira's after care provider. After bringing it to their attention and hoping for beefed up safety guidelines and commitment, they kicked us out. Out, goodbye Dahlstroms, we are done with you and your concerns.

We are not people who sit idly by and let things go. We are not complacent people. We speak up, speak out and advocate for change. But still, my fears are always there. What if I get sick? What if I die and leave my kids and husband alone? What will happen to them? How will they grow up without a mother? Live without a wife? Sometimes I want to curl up on my bed, under the blankets and never leave the house. Irrational? Probably. Nuts? Probably more normal than we think. We just don't talk about it.

While I know that it's impossible for me to protect my children all the time. It's my job. It's my one great and possibly the most important responsibility a person can have. To protect life. It's because of this responsibility that I cannot relax if my children are out of my site. Although I know they are well cared for at school, loved by their teachers, grandparents and mothers of friends. I simply cannot relax.

I have friends who let their children go to other kids' houses for play dates that barely know the parents. Others go on long field trips on buses and are away for days. I just don't know if I could manage that. I don't want to prevent my kids from doing the things that their friends do, normal things of course in anybody's opinion. Even in my opinion. I just want to drive them there and stay with them.

I think about other parents on the news who have lost their children. I think about how I would not be able to live without my children. I would not be able to breathe. I don't know how they do it to be honest. Even with the therapy they must surely get.

Sometimes if I can't get a hold of my parents or a baby sitter if we are away or out on a date night I start to sweat and my body turns cold, all at once. I can't imagine I am the only parent this happens to? My mind races and I go immediately to the worst case scenario. Why do I do this?

My dad used to stay up late waiting for me to come home when I was a teenager. My mom was able to sleep with no problems. Fascinating. My Bubbie, my dad's mom was the queen of worrying. She called if she didn't hear from you at the specified time. She tracked you down. She gnawed her little fingers until they bled. I do the same thing by the way. She must have loved it when mobile phones became popular.

I honestly believe there is a gene within us called the worry wart gene. Or in my case, the doomsayer gene. I hate this about myself. I want so much to be able to just live life with abandon and be a more positive person. I wish I could let it all go and not be so overprotective and panicky. Aside from therapy what can I do? It's me. I'm passionate and in love with my life and don't want anything to take it away from me.

As irrational as it all may seem to me and to you, it takes only one split second for a life to change. For the future to be altered forever. So call me over protective or even call me nuts. My job is my job, my purpose in life is to be a mother and a wife. To me, this is what it looks like. I know some day my kids won't let me smother them any more. They'll be driving at some point and I will have to accept that. I pray we stay very close, respect each other and that they don't get the doomsayer gene. It's exhausting.

The Non-bucket List

So I realize that I only blog once or twice a year. Yea, well at least I do it. If I seem a little defensive, well I am. Guilty is probably the better word for it actually. I'm inspired by others' blogs, laugh out loud at many of them. Many times I want to write, need to write and just don't. I beat myself up for it a lot.

You see I am watching my life simply fly by. Whizz, zoom at lightening speed. I am turning 44 (really?) in 2 months. I'm watching my little blondie lover boy grow up before my eyes into an articulate little smartie pants. My daughter is 7 going on 25. It's nuts, nuts, nuts. Everyone with kids always says, "It goes so fast, treasure your time with your kids." Fast is an understatement.

I do try to treasure my time. I try to remind myself and my husband to enjoy our children, to cherish the time with them, to appreciate the little things. It's hard to do. There's always something else. Laundry, work, lunches (Kevin makes them), beds to make, errands to run, you get the gist. We all go through it. We all struggle with it.

We do sit down and eat together every night. We all say our 'favorite things' which is a favorite thing in itself. And that's our time together each day. Then we're off to bath time, story time and bedtime. Kevin makes dinner every night and then the lunches. It's draining our life, simply exhausting. This is the reason lately I am feeling guilty for something else.

I always hear about people who have 'bucket lists'. Things they want to do, see, experience before they die. I saw the movie, I know what they are. Before the movie I never gave it a second thought. I may not have even known what the heck a bucket list was to be honest. Well, now I'm older and have a family and darn it I need a bucket list.

I need to have this wonderful collection of places to see, skydiving adventures, learning French, getting an advanced degree, becoming a millionaire, learning to fly a plane...yadda yadda. You get it. I hear all of these things from people. One of our friends is running with the bulls this summer in Pamplona. Now that's a bucket list item for sure.

To me this sounds insane. I think I finally realized why I don't have my own list. I'm a homebody, full time working mommy who just doesn't have the energy to think about putting one together. Or is it something else?

Maybe I just don't want to do any of those things? I know what I like to do. I like, no love to watch my kids laugh, to watch my husband laugh. I love being thankful for their health, the health of my parents, my family and our friends. I love going to birthday parties, gymnastics classes, out to dinner and to the movies (although I rarely do that one.) I can't really come up with anything for my bucket list.

The things that I really, really want to do in my life are pretty simple and I will not by any means feel like I've missed out if I don't add anything else to my non-bucket list.

I want to see my kids be happy and joyful children. To be kind and compassionate. To know that they are good people and good to others. I want to see them do well and enjoy school. Not just do well but love education and do great work as adults, whatever that means to them.

I want to spend many holidays with my parents. I want my parents to be a part of our lives for many, many more years despite their health issues. I want to treat them well and respect them even though we don't always see eye to eye. I want to make them proud of me.

I want to continue to work at being closer to my brother and to know his children someday. (When he has them!) I want to be a favorite aunt.

I want to spend a long and loving life with my super daddy husband. I want to spend many hours laughing with him. I want to continue learning how to be a better mother, friend, wife, daughter and sister.

I want to do good work, meaningful work. I want to be valued for my thoughts, ideas, creativity and innovation. Check that one off the list.

So, I do have a pretty long list, just not the kind some other people have. And I'm OK with that.